How To Honor A
Difficult Parent
By Cynthia
Bailey-Rug
We are
all familiar with the commandment God gave in Exodus 20:12 that says, “Honour
thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the
LORD thy God giveth thee.” (KJV) But
I ask you, do you know what it is to truly honor your parents?
Many
people assume that honoring their parents involves doing everything according to
their parents’ wishes, catering to them, putting their parents first in their
lives, even over a spouse and children, and sometimes God. I disagree with this popular thinking, however.
For
years, my mother and I couldn't seem to get along or agree on much.
Just my very presence seemed to irritate her, no matter how hard I tried
not to. Doing exactly as she wanted still left room for strife between us.
This
difficult relationship left me wondering, how do I honor someone like this, who
is so hard to honor? I spent a lot
of time in prayer. God showed me
how to set boundaries with her- to say "no" sometimes, and to refuse
to be manipulated by guilt. I also
learned to keep our conversations superficial- no longer discussing things that
my mother used to criticize about me, rather staying on topics such as her life,
friends, even the weather. This
made my life somewhat more pleasant, without facing as much strife.
Yet something else needed to be done…
God
showed me that I needed to accept my mother as she is. That seemed impossible to me at first- she had been cruel to
me many times in my life, how could I accept that? Then God showed me that she was a wounded person, acting out
of her own pain and anger. No, this
didn’t make her mistreatment of me right, or even something I could accept.
But, it did diffuse my anger at her drastically when I accepted her where
she was at that stage in her life.
As time
went on, I was still being hurt by my mother, although not nearly as much as
before God intervened in our relationship.
I saw her being unwilling to face her pain, let alone try to heal, and I
couldn’t help. How can you help
someone who won't help herself? You
can't, I learned. The saddest part
was, I saw her anger and hurt growing due to some challenging circumstances in
her life. I felt God was telling me
to cut contact with my mother, but I doubted.
That couldn’t be honoring my mother, could it? Shouldn’t I help her?
At the very least, be a good witness of God’s love so she might want to
know Him herself? God really got my
attention by saying, “Where is the honor in the strife that your very presence
stirs with her? Or in being her
target when she is angry?” Still
I was resistant- cutting contact was a huge step, one that I wasn’t sure I was
strong enough to take.
Then I
finally did it. In 2001, I wrote my
mother a letter to end our contact. It
was painful, probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but it worked out for
the best. In our time apart, I have
grown closer to God than ever, have grown tremendously as a person, and have
more peace and joy than I ever had. Sadly,
I realize my rejection hurt my mother, which of course I didn’t want to do,
but I had no choice. Now, I pray
for her from a distance, and hope she will one day know God and the joy of His
salvation like I do. Maybe if that
happens, she will understand why I did what I felt was my only option.
Now,
don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying all parents are bad and all adult
children need to take such drastic measures as I did.
In some extreme cases, like mine, I believe separation is the only
logical choice. But in most cases,
I believe an adult child can honor their difficult parent best by loving them,
and setting firm boundaries that show the adult child will not be ruled or
abused by the parent. Ask God to
show you what to do and how to do it. He
will answer your prayers, and help you to handle your specific situation the
best possible way.
And, if
your situation calls for separation like mine did, then always remember, God is
a loving parent. He can and will
fill the void of losing your earthly parent, and heal your heart.