Boundaries
By
Cynthia Bailey-Rug
When
you say the word “boundaries,” many people automatically think of words like
“restrictions, selfishness, no fun.” But boundaries are anything but those things!
Boundaries encourage love, respect and freedom.
Boundaries
define where you and your responsibilities end, and other people’s begin.
Think of them like a fence surrounding your yard.
Things that are your responsibility are your emotions, beliefs, and
actions. This also means that you
are not responsible for the emotions, beliefs and actions of other people.
In other words, if they feel, believe or do things that are contrary to
what you would do, it isn’t your place to judge, criticize or try to change
them. The Bible says we are to
speak the truth in love (see Ephesians 4:15), so we may speak to someone about
their hurtful, dangerous, or self destructive behavior.
However, trying to manipulate someone into changing to suit your ideals
is wrong. Manipulation is witchcraft, which the Bible speaks against.
Many
people have distorted boundaries. We
learn boundaries as children, and certain behaviors from our parents may distort
normal boundary development. For
example, a controlling parent may raise a child who has no clear boundaries as
an adult. I was one of those
adults. Also, children raised by
lax parents often grow into adults who are controlling, doing their best to make
others responsible for them.
Learning
to set healthy boundaries can be very difficult at first, but is well worth all
effort! People can’t control
someone with a healthy sense of boundaries, and someone with that healthy sense
of boundaries will not be controlling. These people also take full responsibility for themselves,
and encourage others to do so as well. This
encourages people to be the best they can be.
To
develop your new boundaries, I find it is very important to have safe,
supportive, helpful people in your life. People
who will encourage you, and are safe for you to set boundaries with.
Safe people will not try to discourage you, or tell you that you are
being selfish walking this new path. Safe
people are important to have in your life period, but especially at this stage,
when you are walking in unfamiliar territory.
They will help you to build confidence to set boundaries with others,
including unsafe people.
I
won’t lie to you- when you first start setting boundaries, some people in your
life may not like it. They may call
you selfish, unreasonable and more because you are now not willing to bend to
their whims, or rescue them from their own messes. That is okay! In
time, most reasonable people learn to accept and respect your boundaries, and
often even learn to set their own by following your example.
And as for those who don't? Well,
it may be time to rethink the relationship.
I had to cut some people out of my life, once I learned about boundaries. It took a lot of prayer, asking for guidance and wisdom, but
God showed me who to sever ties with, and how to do it.
Our
Heavenly Father wants us to live happy lives.
Setting healthy, reasonable boundaries is one way to help us do just
that. So be encouraged today.
Learning what I have told you changed my life for the better.
It can do the same for you!